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Fri, Nov. 17th, 2006, 05:45 pm

Dear Diary,

I think I may have a problem. I love my boyfriend very much. I'm mad crazy in love with him, in fact. But I think maybe he treats me bad. When I get hurt or upset, he's silent and distant. He won't look me in the eye when I talk to him about what's bothering me. He gets moody, and when I ask him what's wrong, or if I did something to upset him, he says nothing, but he keeps acting like he's mad at me, and won't do anything to make me feel less at odds. I've brought this all up to him, and he says that most of these things are my fault, for various reasons that he has. I don't want to give up on something good, but I'm also afraid of holding on to something bad just because of love.
What should I do?

In Love In Los Angeles

Fri, Nov. 10th, 2006, 11:35 pm

Cream being poured into coffee.
Warm kitten belly.
Warm kitten scent.
Pools of sunlight big enough to curl up in.
Growing up country.
Living city.
Holding my breath when I know he is holding his breath.

Sat, Oct. 21st, 2006, 11:11 am

Sometimes, it seems like my feelings are just an annoyance to him. Like they were to Adam. Like getting my feelings hurt or feeling unhappy about something is a crime.

Fri, Oct. 20th, 2006, 04:11 pm
Losing my job

I've worked at the same place for 6 years. I've been an office manager here longer than I've held any other job. Sometimes I have dreams about working. Sometimes I answer my cell phone with "_____ Health Centers. This is _______ speaking. How may I help you?" I hate and love my job, in turns. And now we've lost our lease. I have no real skills. This office was so specialized and old fashioned, I never learned any software beyond quickbooks. I learned more about manual massage therapy techniques than I did filing. All I really have going for me is a charming smile and a great phone voice.

I feel a little lost. What does a girl like me (an eternal student, with a bunch of degrees in esoteric and uninteresting subjects, and no real skills to speak of) do in this world? Is this a push to let go of my safety nets and strike out on my own? I've always believed that things happen for a reason. With a new roommate and the home equity loan funded, I have a small buffer before a big pay check becomes absolutely neccessito.... Things happen for a reason. I'll buy that pro digital camera. I'll start shooting headshots and portraits and weddings, like I always said I would. Maybe this is the universe kicking me out of my nest to find my own success, my own path and glory. Maybe.

Sat, Oct. 14th, 2006, 10:47 am
Scent experience

I spend a lot of time smelling him. It's one of my favorite things to do - to lay in bed with him, and while we talk or cuddle or he sleeps, to explore his body scents. I sort of bury my face in him. I think he thinks it's weird, but I like it.
-- his hair smells dry and warm. Like the memory of the scent of cinnamon.
-- his breath always smells like coffee, but not unpleasantly so.
-- his underarms smell spicy, like fading deoderant, and tangy like sweat. I enjou this scent, and spend a lot of time examining it.
-- his skin smells clean and honest. Like him.
-- his nether regions (I think we both know what I mean here.) smell yeasty and warm like baking bread, but also like something darker and sweeter. It's safe and exciting at the same time. It thrills me, and addicts me. It's disappointing to get to that point where we actually have sex, because it covers up his scent with my own.

Fri, Oct. 13th, 2006, 03:16 pm

I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I'm not a voyeur, nor am I an exhibitionist. Journals have always been secret, personal things to me. Maybe I am trying to connect. Or maybe there is a secret part of me that wants to scream and shout and stamp my foot for attention? I don't know. I feel foolish, writing my inner most thoughts for the internet viewing public. This is crazy.